The past year has been a tough one for me in every way possible, certainly not the most difficult I've ever been through (by far), but none-the-less...
Much of it has to do with my job, which I find almost unbearable these days. My stress level has reached it's limit and has officially broken through the glass ceiling, so to speak. Yes, I know I'm one of the fortunate ones to even have a job right now, and I am very thankful that it involves a steady paycheck, as small as that paycheck is. Does it make it any easier to deal with? No.
My faith has been shaken and my heart and mind filled with unanswered questions. No, I haven't turned my back on God, that will never happen in my lifetime, but I still have those questions and they still go unanswered and I struggle with this every single minute of every day.
My anxiety has altered everything about me, and affected everything and everyone around me. Having tried everything from self talk to mindful relaxation to medications during my 43 years on this earth, I have come to realize that it is what it is and I must give up on it ever being "fixed" and just deal with it the way it is. Having spent so much time and energy on trying to make it go away, it will be nice to just relax and face the music, if that makes any sense?
I don't really know why I'm writing all of this, except maybe to have it documented somewhere that I've reached some sort of turning point and know that I must move forward, in a different way than ever before. Instead of focusing on every single thing that is wrong with myself or my situation, I need to take that energy and focus it on what is good and right and positive...
I know full well that I have been blessed beyond belief in this life, being once lost and wandering aimlessly, riddled with more horrible afflictions than any one person should have to deal with in one short life (of course much of it all being self-afflicted). I have been given endless second chances, even when I took them for granted. But if you have ever dealt with depression or anxiety, whether it be that you have it or if it is a friend or family member, you know that seeing the bright side isn't even a visible option sometimes.
Being "stuck" isn't intentional, but it is something that can be dealt with and managed with more grace than I have ever even attempted...
So on this day, I will give it my best shot to go forth in a much more positive manner. I may not always shine like the sun, but I can at least twinkle like a distant star.
I hope that you all have a wonderful week, you may now return to your regularly scheduled program.
9 comments:
Sadly, sometimes there are no answers and no way for us to just wave our magic wands and just "fix" something. Frankly, even if there was, I could find a way to screw that up too...Lol
Just know that I am praying for you..and that there is always grace for us as we walk through this stuff that life hands us...
Big hugs to you!!!!!
Oh friend - being someone who suffers from depression - I can totally relate with your words...
Sending you HUGS!
I wish I had some great advice or some wise words, but all I got is - breathe. Simple enough, but sometimes it seems it is forgotten. Just breathe.
Hang in there.
Praying for Sonshine in your life today! and that God would encourage you in a specific way today!
I'm so sorry you've been going through this tough time. I think you have the4 right attitude, as hard as it may be. Praying for a bright day today!
Sometimes acceptance is the best way to over come, you have amazing qualities, you help people out with your words and your thoughts and you touch lives that you will never meet, another great post Tiff.
Aw, thank you so much everyone, every single word written here from all of my bloggy friends means the absolute world to me!
It's unfortunate that others must go through the same things, but always good to know that we are not alone in this life journey.
I agree....It is like a cloud of dust that just won't go away. I have been trying to put that shine back in my (not so bald) head, lol. It is hard. I would have never thought that negativity would be such a central device for me.
I hope that things will change for you. You have a bright future and you deserve all things GOOD! There is something to this journey you are on....I hope the journey leads you to a beautiful place for you to shine. (Just like I see you and have seen you for years)
I love you Tif
**HUGS**
I can relate to a lot of what you posted here.
Work is killing me right now. I truly hate going there every morning.
Anyway, know I am thinking of you...and keeping you in prayer. Sending lots of hugs your way.
xoxo
~vk~
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