So it's been forever since I've even visited this blog, much less posted anything. Life has been tough lately, with best friends and family members going through some pretty heavy stuff, both emotionally and physically, including myself.
When things are hard for me I have a habit of retreating inward and keeping things to myself. I'm an incredibly private person and don't have many people in my life that I trust to share the things that life deals out, those things that can make or break a person... The few select people that I do trust are those that are completely and unconditionally accepting of this, and I'm lucky enough to have people that totally get it as my support system.
Since coming here and posting last, my husband and I have decided to seek a divorce. I won't go into the gory details or air my dirty laundry here, but believe me when I say that we gave it our all and it took 14 long years of struggle to finally realize that there is no other way to go with this. It's probably something we should have done many years ago, but we just couldn't give up the fight until now.
The sadness is very much just beneath the surface for the both of us, we know that there will be those moments when it comes flooding out and washes over us like a tidal wave. but for now we are holding our own and keeping it together, probably more for each other's sake than our own. Neither of us wants to leave this union bitter and hateful toward the other.
We will miss each other terribly, and will someday down the road wonder if it wasn't the biggest mistake of our lives. I already wonder...
We hear over and over from everyone we know that they are not shocked at our decision to separate and that they are only surprised that we hung on this long to what at times seemed like a sinking ship.
So we each retreat to our own corners of the ring, taking off the gloves and with them the rings. Someday I hope that we can look back on our time together with fondness as opposed to anything else. I loved him from the beginning to the end and it is most certainly not for lack of effort that we decide to go our separate ways.
I will continue to blog here, but things may take on a different tone as I chronical this next journey in my life. I'm scared out of my wits at what the future holds in store for me, but I also know that I have a strength in me that surpasses all else when it is called upon to surface.
I hope that you will all remain with me as I travel down this road of uncertainty, but I will understand if I lose some of you because of ideas or beliefs about divorce, or whatever the case may be. I don't judge others for anything that they do, nor do I take it personal.
So without further adieu, here is something I've written to start this journey off in a positive direction...
I am ready
As with the sky on a late Autumn day, a veil of darkness shrouds my heart with melancholy emotion. Starting over at mid-life, stepping out of and away from the life I have come to know as mine. Not the life I have dreamed of, but certainly the one that I have settled into and made the best of.
The road to this point, oh it's been a long one... Some miles seamless and smooth, with many more rough and rocky. The latter making it close to impossible to drive on, but drive on I did and will continue to do.
What does the future hold for me? Will I make it there in one piece, someday finding true happiness within myself, once again?
As I sit behind the wheel at the crossroads, confused as to which way to go, I wonder which direction will lead me safely to a place called home... This decision is mine and mine alone, for the very first time in my life. No external forces to influence this choice that I am faced with.
I turn the key and place the gear shift into drive, removing my foot from the brake and placing it cautiously onto the accelerator. And suddenly, the veil lifts and I feel that old familiar sense of fearlessness and confidence take it's place.
Easing slowly down the road at last, I am ready...
Tiffany Cross 11/14/09
